48-72 Hours Wait

#amniocentesis #avcanal #birthdifferences #waiting

While we were still on the way home from our first trip to Savannah to meet with my high risk obstetricians, I began to look over the materials they gave me. (Remember when I said a binder would come in handy?) They gave me patient information sheets (see picture above) that detailed what a couple of Ruth's known differences could mean. These papers, outlining different problems with my baby, explained these differences were quite common in babies with Down's Syndrome.

Down's Syndrome is by no means a death sentence to my child, to me, or to any family dealing with birth differences. But it's hard to hear that your child has anything different about her, especially something with physical and cognitive ramifications. I began to tear up. "I think she has Down's," I told my husband. "Well," he replied, "if she does, she'll still be Ruth, and she'll still be my daughter, and I'll still be proud of her."

I was in awe of his level-headedness and calm demeanor and faith. He was right, and I believed it, too. However, I was not at that peaceful place yet. I went from learning my kid had a possible heart defect and wondering if she would ever play t-ball, to hearing she may have a syndrome like Down's and wondering if she would ever drive, go to college, or get married. Who would take care of her after I died? That might have sounded morbid or crazy for some people reading this, and that is fair. But it is where I was at on the evening of May 10. I would not trade or change Ruth for anything in the world, but I don't believe anyone sits around and hopes that their child has any type of syndrome.

We got home from Savannah too late to pick up Alora from the grandparents' house, so she spent the night with them. Kane went to the gym (which is how he processes things), and I went to see a friend who had just brought home her new baby. This might not seem like the wisest time to see a newborn to many of you, but I had already planned this visit. I needed to continue with my normal plans. I needed to be around normal people. I needed to not fixate on all the things we had just learned. I needed to not sit at home googling things all night. I needed to not be alone. And, quite honestly, I needed to be reminded that all newborns, regardless of birth differences or not, are precious but also pretty demanding and difficult.

This visit with sweet friends was so needed. Without meaning to, I kind of trauma-dumped my fears and concerns onto them. I sobbed while holding my friend's 3-day-old baby, which I'm sure was a huge concern for her to have an emotionally unstable person rocking her child. But instead of looking at me with huge eyes and raised eyebrows, they prayed for me. That meant more to me than any gift or any bouquet or any card ever could. Intentional and meaningful prayer is not the least you can do for someone - it is the most you can do for someone.

I went home and cried for two days. Because I had been talking so much about Down's Syndrome in the doctor's office and in Kane's truck and at my friend's house, my phone kept displaying advertisements pertaining to it. At least one out of every five Instagram reels through which I scrolled was about having a child with Down's Syndrome. Thank you, Zuck, for your inability to read the room. And I prayed for two days. I prayed so hard. I asked all of my friends and family to pray. We were all praying specifically for healing.

If you remember from my last blog, Mother's Day & a Tidal Wave, I mentioned that Kane had spoken at our friend's ordination service on Jonah's preaching to the Ninevites. If you're unfamiliar with the passage, here's a quick rundown: God sent Jonah to the Ninevites to tell them that He was going to destroy the city and everyone in it for their wickedness. It wasn't a warning or a call to repentance, really; it was a promise for judgment based on their sins. But because of this, the Ninevites did repent. They realized that God did not have to warn them of what was coming, and they turned from their sins and grieved over their disobedience to a Holy God. His Word reads, "When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil way, God relented of the disaster He had said He would do to them, and He did not do it," (Jonah 3:10). God relented this plan because He cared for the Ninevites, His creation, and because His glory would be made known through their living repentance. So I prayed for God to relent. I know He cares for me, and I know He cares for Ruth, just like He cared for the Ninevites. Father, would you please relent and not give us the results that I think are coming?

I'll be honest, I've been a Christian for a long time, but this is the first time that I have ever truly prayed on the offense. In the past, I had been more of a defensive prayer. For example, I have - in the past - prayed for God to change my heart to the situation He's already put into motion. And I stand by those prayers. I am still praying those prayers. But this time was different. I begged God to relent. With only the authority by which God has given me as His daughter, I prayed for God to heal Ruth. I know that His ultimate healing is promised in bringing us from spiritual death to life in salvation, but I prayed for physical healing.

You guys need to understand why this was such a big deal for me - why even the potential for any kind of trisomy was wrecking me entirely. I, like many women, struggled with terrible postpartum anxiety and depression after the birth of my first daughter. I won't go into all of that here and now, but it was rough. This pregnancy and delivery was supposed to be my do-over. I knew the ropes this time! I knew my hospital, my doctor, half of the nurses at Wayne Memorial Hospital, my pediatrician, and allllll of their protocols and procedures. Now that had been ripped out from under me. I thought I would be able to continue at least PARTIAL care at my doctor's office in Jesup, but they called me to inform me that there was really nothing they could do for me, so it would be pointless to drive over there for monitoring. At worst, I worried that Ruth would have jaundice like Alora (see picture below), but at least now I would know how to deal with it the second time around. I was looking forward to finally being a good mom right out of the gate.

But no. This is an entirely different ball game. This is an entirely different sport. And I don't say any of this for sympathy or pity or to elicit any other emotion; I am saying all of this for transparency in my sadness & dependency on Christ. Where else could I go if not to the One who created me and was still forming Ruth?

I took my amniocentesis test on Monday and it would take at least 48-72 hours to hear any results. Tuesday was an emotional dumpster fire, with a brief interlude as the cardiology team at Savannah Children's Heart called to make an appointment for Thursday, May 13 (two days away). We had next steps, and I could be grateful for that.

On Wednesday afternoon, I had plans to hang out with another friend at my house. To be fair, I needed the distraction and my house needed a scrub in preparation for company. This was the first day all week that my face was not swollen from tears, and I felt pretty normal. It was a fantastic visit, and I explained to her what was going on with us and Ruth. We had normal conversation, and in the middle of our hangout, my phone rang.

It was from Savannah, GA. It was my geneticist, Sabrina. I'm pretty sure the wind got sucked out of me as I answered the phone. She called to tell me that the first part of my amniocentesis came back already, and that all of those results were negative. Negative for Down's Syndrome. Negative for Edwards' Syndrome. Negative for Patau Syndrome. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

The results did confirm one thing - Ruth was a girl. I laughed and said, "Well, praise the Lord for that, too. We did NOT need another surprise!" She laughed and responded, "Yes, that is a HUGE blessing!"

Sabrina then explained that even though these results were negative, which was great news, it didn't meant we were out of the woods yet. The likelihood of all of these physical (internal) differences just randomly occurring without a syndrome or genetic abnormality causing them was almost nil. All of her chromosomes are present and perfect, but now we would start on the second part of amniocentesis testing to look at gene sequences. It may not be a well-known syndrome, but it could still be a syndrome or rare genetic case. We would get those results back in another 10 days. She also asked that we swing by her office after our fetal echocardiogram at Savannah Children's Heart so that the both of us could get bloodwork done. Sabrina explained, "In the event that Ruth does have a rare syndrome, we will sequence both of your blood samples to find if you are carriers or if it is random. This will help us with future research and other parents in the same boat as you right now." I was completely fine with that. The earlier that parents can get answers, the better.

Overall, this was an answered prayer. We were so, so thankful that God had heard our prayers! Ruth's biggest issues seemed to be physical, not chromosomal! We were hopeful and prayerful that we would learn more about her heart condition at our cardiology appointment the following day. This was the first time in a week that I felt I had footing. I'd been in a rip current, followed by a tidal wave, and now I felt like I was on dry ground. I could begin to think about new questions to ask and appointments to set up.

More importantly, we began to pray for our hearts. We prayed that our hearts would be grateful for this blessing, and that we would be able to see all of the other hidden blessings around us. That's the thing about blessings - until something is ripped from you that you feel you deserve, you never realize how much you actually don't deserve at all. If God never blessed me with anything else, He would still be worthy of praise just for who He is. For His goodness, I will praise him. Everything that has happened in my life, good or bad, He has carried me through. I wouldn't stop trusting that now.